Funny harry Potter stories
by lozza1989
Summary: These are some Harry Potter stories that I came up with. No flames please.
1. Chapter 1

Harry potter in a shopping centre nursery.

The Dursleys parked their car in the shopping centre and walked in, both discussing what to do with their nephew Harry Potter who was only four years old.

"We could put him in that nursery they've got in here" suggested Aunt petunia. Their four year old son Dudley was screaming.

"I WANT AN ICECREAM WAAAHHHH". Aunt Petunia knelt down to Dudley's level and put her hands on his shoulders.

"Don't worry sweetums, Mummsey will get you an icecream". Dudley wiped his snotty nose all over Uncle Vernon's trousers.

"Little tike" he chuckled lifting up Dudley onto his shoulders. Petunia grabbed Harry by the wrist and dragged him along following Vernon and Dudley.

When they got into the shopping centre the first place they stopped at was the nursery. Petunia grabbed a snotty nosed Harry by the shoulders.

"Right you little monster, you're going in there while we do some shopping" she said rather nastily.

"Can I have some Chocolate?" Asked little Harry.

"No" Hissed Perunia.

"Is Dudley coming into nursery too, is he going to be playing with blocks?" he asked.

"No boy. Dudley will be coming with us so he can pick out his new shoes" said Uncle Vernon who still had Dudley on his shoulders demanding for Icecream. The woman in charge of the nursery took Harry by the hand and took him into the nursery.

"Don't worry little boy You'll have some fun here" she said in a sweet voice.

"My name is Harry Potter, call me by my name" he wailed stamping his feet in rage. The woman grabbed Harry by the shoulders.

"Ok ok calm down Harry. Why don't you go and play over there with Draco" she said pointing to a four year old boy with blonde hair.Harry shyly made his way to the little boy who rolling playdoh.

"Hello there, I'm Draco Malfoy. What's your name?" he asked.

"I'm Harry Potter" said Harry. Malfoy smiled and gave him a handdful of playdoh.

"Make me a playdoh goat" he demanded.Harry shook his head.

"I don't know how to make stuff with playdoh. I've never used it before".Malfoy pouted and shoved the playdoh into Harry's mouth then going up to the nursery lady.

"Lady in red, lady in red" he yelled because the woman wore a red nursery uniform "Harry Potter is eating playdoh". The woman looked over to Harry who was now taking the playdoh out of his mouth.

"Harry Potter, you do not eat playdoh" she shrieked triggering off another one of Harry's tantrums.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I WASN'T EATING IT, DRACO SHOVED IT INTO MY MOUTH" he wailed. Malfoy smirked as the woman took the playdoh of him and made him play with the lego.

"It just isn't fair" Said poor Harry as Malfoy walked up to him.

"I can do magic tricks and when I grow up I'm going to magic school which my daddy calls Hogwarts" he bragged. Harry tried to ignore the brat but he bit him on the arm causing Harry to cry.

"You'll listen when I talk to you" screamed Malfoy throwing a piece of lego at Harry's head. The nursery woman however caught him in the act.

"Draco Malfoy how dare you throw lego at other children" she yelled. Malfoy began having a tantrum.

"HE WON'T LISTEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" He wailed.

"He doesn't have to listen to you if he doesn't want to. Nw you go sit on the naughty chair you naughty boy and you won't be joining in with the cookie making that I've had planned for today". Sulking, Malfoy was dragged to the Naughty chair while Harry had a field day making cookies with all the other children when the Dursleys arrived.

"I'm making cookies" said Harry happily. He was covered from head to toe in flour.

"Get your coat boy, we're going" demanded Uncle Vernon.The woman ran up to them.

"I'm sure you wouldn't mind if Harry stayed and finsihed making his cookies" she suggested.

"Sorry lady but we've got to run" and grabbed Harry by the wrist and dragged him out of the nursery with him yelling "COOKIES, COOKIES".


	2. Spiders, a certain red head's enemy

Spiders, a certain red head's worst enemy

Ron was sat in his bedroom reading some very interesting wizard comics when he spotted a very large spider stood just near his feet.

Ron got scared and he screamed like a little girl causing the whole family to come running into his bedroom.

"What's wrong Ronald?" asked Mrs.Weasley "have you hurt yourself?". Ron shook his sweaty head and whimpered.

"T-t-there's a spider near my feet, get it away" he demanded. The twins burst out laughing but Mr.Weasley shushed them.

"Don't worry Ron, we'll get rid of your worst enemy" he reassured his younger son.

"KILL IT, STUN IT, STOMP ON IT, ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT'S OUT OF MY BLOODY WAY" screamed Ron, his face going red. Ginny giggled and Mr.Weasley went out of the bedroom.

"We're is dad going?" asked Ron nervously.

"Oh he's just gone to get something to get rid of the spider" replied Ginny. Two seconds later Mr. Weasley returned with a baseball bat. He gave it to the twins.

"Ok boys, ready to do the honours".

"Yes sir" the twins said together. They both lifted the baseball bat above the spider and then WHACK , the spider was crushed and Ron was saved. After his relatives left the room he picked up his wand and made the remains of the spider disappear.

The next day, Ron was sat at the tabke eating some toast when a spider climbed onto his toast and began munching it.

"ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he screamed like a girl. Mrs.Weasley came running in to see what all the racket was.

"Spider, on my toast. GET RID OF IT" demanded Ron furiously.Mrs.Weasley shook her head and picked up the spider of the plate and went to throw it out of the window.

"DON'T SET IT FREE, IT MIGHT COME BACK AND TRY TO EAT ME" he yelled.

"Oh don't be silly Ronald, It won't come back" she reassured but Ron was furious.

"Kill it Mother" he ordered. Sighing, Mrs.Weasley got a newspaper, rolled it up and began to beat the hell out of the spider with it. After the Spider was destroyed, Ron was satisfied and made himself a glass of milk.

That night, Ron dreamt that the world was being invaded by giant Spiders. He was in the back garden doing some De-Knoming when a crew of giant Spiders appeared into view.

Ron screamed a really high pitched girlish scream and dropped his knome. One of the spiders gobbled up the knome and then chased after poor Ron, attempting to eat him.

He ran as fast as he could with the spiders in full pursuit. When he made it back to the burrow, a spider overtook him and then grabbed him with one of it's eight legs.Ron screamed in fright as the evil Spider moved him closer to it's mouth before he woke up in a sweat. Suddenly he felt something rather tickly on his leg. He switched on his bedside lamp and pulled back the sheet to see a spider crawling up his leg.

"ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHH" Ron screamed waking up Harry in the spare bed who also started screaming.

"What's wrong with you?" Ron asked, wincing everytime the spider moved up his leg.

"Voldemort is chasing me" he replied.He knew that Harry also had a worst enemy but they were not spiders.


	3. Hogwart's daily news part one

Hogwart's daily news

Hello and welcome to Hogwart's daily news.

Today, Voldemort went fishing at horror lake just outside hogsmeade and he caught fifty Piranas. The Dark lord ended up as dinner for the piranas and every Witch and Wizard in the world celebrated his death.

Meanwhile back at Hogwarts, Scabber's the rat went missing today. His owner Ronald Weasley found his cage empty and got very worried.

"I just don't know what could have happened to him, he could have been ratnapped". The staff of Hogwarts and doing all they can to find Ronald's beloved rat. Also, Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger have become Emos and Harry has become chav.

Dumbledore got engaged to McGonogall yesterday, they are set to be married on the 15th of december. Mrs Norris got herself lost in the forbidden forest this morning. She has not been seen since.Hagrid dontated to charity to help the poor of Africa by giving them ten thousand galleons. The Africans praised Hagrid and offered to make him Leader of their Village but Hagrid said he must return to Hogwarts because he is needed there the most.

Qudditch was cancelled due to severe flooding which had occured due to heavy rain and the lake overflowing. Qudditch will not take place for a few months.

In other news, Uncle Vernon and Dudley both decided to get Lyposuction as Aunt Petunia threatened she wouldn't talk to them again if they refused to lose weight.

Sirius black was found innocent and was a free man. He got himself a job in the ministry and became very rich and famous. He will starring the the wizarding movie "When Wizards fall in love".

Shirley bassie made a guest appearance at Hogwarts on thursday night for the muggle kareoke expirience that was taking place in the Great hall. Other stars such as Tom Jones, Rod Stewart and the Beatles made an appearence.Dobby won the lottery and bought himself a luxgurius penthouse complete with widescreen tv, Dvd player, High-fi steroe and a computer incluidng Broadbrand. Malfoy got kicked out of Hogwarts for brandishing the Dark-mark in front of Dumbledore.

And that's all we have for tonight, we'll be back tomorrow with moren ews for you. Until then it's goodbye from me and the crew.


	4. Hogwart's daily news part 2

Hogwart's daily news part 2

Good evening and welcome to the second part of Hogwart's daily news.

There is still no news on the whereabouts of Ronald's Rat, Scabbers. He is going mad and is plotting revenge on whoever took him.

"Some one has taken him, I know it. Rat's cannot unlock cages". Emos, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley where caught serving nosebleed toffees to some unsuspecting First years. Hagrid had a temper tantrum earlier this morning and demolished his whole hut. He is now homeless and has to live in the castle until his hut is repaired. Harry Potter the chav was stood in the middle of the great hall singing rap songs. Dumbledore arrived and wanted to sing rap songs so he joined in too.

Dudley Dursley recieved 101 ASBOS for torturing six innocent kittens and a ten year old girl. He was banished to boot camp for the next five years. Mrs Norris returned from the forbidden forest furless this afternoon and she attacked a mushroom because she was a cross kitty.The whole of the Weasley family are angry because Scabber's has been Ratnapped and there youngest child has become an Emo.

Several bags of crisps invaded Hogwarts. More than a million bags of Salt n Vinegar, Ready salted, Prawn cocktail and cheese n onion flavoured crips were running amok in the school. Dumbledore suspects that they've been bought to life by magic and is not too happy about it. Ron Weasley is going mad and will not eat or speak until he gets his rat back. He shaved his hair off and is now a boaldy boy. His head has never looked shinier.Dobby was seen driving his new sport cars in hogsmeade today and he was heading for Horror lake. He has not been seen since, residents of Hogsmeade fear that he drove into the lake and got eaten by piranhas.

And that's all we have time for but we will be back with latest news later. Goodbye and we'll see you later.


	5. Hermione's dream

Hermione's dream

Harry and Ron seated themselves in the great hall and waited for Hermione to turn up.

"It's not like her to be late" Suggested harry as he looked around to see if Hermione was about."Maybe she fell in her textbook for reading it too much" Joked Ron. Just then there came a sudden gasp from the students and a couple of "oh my gods". Harry and Ron looked up and saw a girl with straight brown hair, a Tight blouse, Mini-skirt and knee high boots. She had hooped earings in and was loaded with makeup. But there was no trouble recognising her.

"Erm Hermione, what are you doing?" Ron asked as she parked herself between him and Harry.

"Wot iz it to ya, ginger nut" she scoffed. She got out a fag and began to smoke it.There came a brief wolf whistle from Malfoy."Shake that ass baby".Hermione gave him the finger.

"Shove it, loser". She took a drag from her cigarrette just as McGonogall passed by.

"Miss Granger, what has gotten into you?" she asked. Hermione took another puff from the fag and blew the smoke in McGonogall's face."Mind ya own, old woman" and she turned around and walked out of the great hall. Harry and Ron were both gobsmacked. "I think the good,and smart Hermione Granger has become a Juvenile Delinquent.

Hermione was strutting her stuff when Malfoy came along and started to flirt with her.

"Get lost, loser" she scoffed. Malfoy didn't listen, he walked up to her, grabbed her and began to snog her passionatly.

"That felt good" he said after he finished leaving Hermione shocked. But she found herself fancying the Slytherin bad boy.

"Oh Draco baby. Come here" she said seductively. A huge grin broaded across Malfoy's face and he ran back to her.

"So you have the hots for me too?" he asked. Hermione smiled and nodded."I'm a bad girl, so why not date a bad boy". Malfoy grinned again as she offered him a cigarrette.

"I've always wanted to try one of them" he said happily as he smoked it.Hermione looked at Malfoy and Malfoy looked at Hermione. They moved closer to each other and shared a passionate kiss.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". Hermione woke up. Her hair was bushy again, she had no make-up on and no hooped earrings. Her Screams had woken Ginny Weasley.

"Why are you screaming Hermione?" she asked.

"I just had the worst dream of my life" Hermione replied. Ginny sat on the end of the bed."What Happened?". Hermione took a deep breath and told Ginny her entire dream.

"And it ended with me and that slimly Draco Malfoy kissing".

"Gross" said Ginny "I wouldn't snog him in a million years." Hermione agreed with Ginny on that.

"I'm never gonna be a Juvenile Delinquent."


	6. Harry meets dracothe alternat version

Harry meets Draco-the alternative version

"So it's true then, what they were saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts". Harry looked and saw a boy with slick Blonde hair.

"This is Crabbe and Goyle" he said, gesturing to the two thuggish like lads that were stood with him "and I'm Malfoy, Draco Malfoy". Ron couldn't help but snigger, unfortunatly Malfoy had heard him.

"You think my name's funny do you. No need to ask yours red hair and a hand-me-down robe, you must be a weasley. Well This is what my Father told me to do if I ever came across a weasley" and he pushed Ron down the stairs. Roaring like Chewbacca, Ron got to his feet and he attacked malfoy.Soon the pair of them were having a furious fight.

"Don't worry Ron, I'll save you" Harry called. He ran up to the fighting pair and tried to pull Malfoy off.Unfortunalty, Malfoy pushed Harry away and contiued to beat the crap out of Ron.

They were fighting for a maximum of five minutes with the other first years egging them on. After he finished, Malfoy pulled himself off Ron and walked up to Harry.

"You'll soon find that some other wizarding Families are better than others potter, you don't want to go making friends with the Wrong sort" he said, looking at Ron, battered,bruised and staggering to his feet " I can help you there". He put his hand out for Harry to shake but Harry wouldn't take it."I think I can tell the wrong sort for my self thanks" said Harry Coolly. Angry Malfoy went to attack Harry but McGonogall came along.

( Due to severe violence and bullying themes. This scene was nver added in the movie because the directors wouldn't allow a scene like this in the movie ).


	7. Hogwart's daily news part  three

Hogwarts daily news part three

Good evening and welcome to Hogwarts Daily news part three.

There is still no news on Scabber's where-abouts and Ron is going mental. The red-head was seen eating his own socks and says he will not be sane until his Rat is returned safetly. Harry got drunk for the first time last night, unfortunalty it didn't look pretty and he passed out after his fifth pint. He is currently recovering in the Hospital wing. Dumbledore won the lottery last week and he bought himself a new sports car that cost £1,000000000008888888.967584646372.50p. New Emos, Hermione and Ginny egged Snape's office door while he was polishing his secret bunny slippers collection. Dobby is still missing. He was last seen driving his new sportscar around Hogsmeade and he headed for Horror lake but he didn't come back. Hogsmeade Poilce are searching the area around Horror lake to see if they can locate the Elf. The only thing they found so far was Voldemort's skeleton. He was eaten by Piranhas when he was fishing at Horror lake for Piranhas. They fear that the same thing could have happened to Dobby. The only thing we can do now is wait and hope. Also, several Hooligans had a party in Dobby's Apartment. They trashed it and stole all his stuff that he had bought with his Lottery money.

Draco Malfoy was arrested today for Brandishing the Dark mark in front of Muggles and frightening several Muggle Children who would problay have nightmares for years. He was sentenced to a life time sentence in Azkaban. And thats all we have time for but we will keep you up to date with the latest. Until then it's goodbye from me and the crew.


	8. Hogwart's daily news part four

Hogwarts daily news part four

Good evening and welcome to the fourth part of Hogwarts daily news

Death eater Lucius Malfoy was arrested today for Abducting and torturing an Eleven year old Girl. The Girl was last seen walking in diagon alley with her parents. When their backs were turned, Lucius Malfoy appeared, Grabbed the little girl and took her back to Death Eater head quarters. He used the crutiactus Curse on her to get information out of her about Harry Potters whereabouts. The Dementors tracked them both down. The child was driven insane and taken to St Mungo's hospital and Malfoy was taken to Azkaban prison. Both he and Draco have been setenced to a kiss From the Dementors.

In other news, Dumbledore and McGonogal planned to have their wedding early. It is now set for Halloween. Scabber's the Rat was found today. It appeared that he was Ratnapped by a Slytherin student to use for Torture practice. Ron finally came from being Insane to his normal self again ( even if he still is bald but his hair will grow back eventully ). Hogsmeade Police are still searching for the missing Former house-elf Dobby around Horror lake. There is still no trace of the elf or his flash Sports car. Dumbledore quoted "if he is found alive and well but if his sports car isn't then I will give him my Sports car and get another one. I have alot of money so I should afford another one".

And that's all we've got time for tonight but we will keep you up to date with the latest. Have a goodnight, don't have Nightmares and whatever you do, Don't eat cheese.


	9. Interviewing Draco

Interviewing Draco

A man in a suit walks up on a stage and greets the audience.

"Hello, hello and welcome to interviews with Harry Potter characters, the only show where you'll get to meet your favourite HP characters in person.So let's welcome our Guest, Draco Malfoy". Malfoy walks on stage wearing a James Bond suit. He sits on a chair opposite the Interviewer.

"Hello Draco and welcome to the show. Can you please tell the audience abit about yourself". Draco sits back on the chair and begins twiddling his thumbs."Well I'm 17 years old, applying to become a Deatheater and I'm dead rich".

The interviewer looks uneasy but he continues to talk. "So, Draco who do you support these days?". A malicous grin grows across Draco's face. "I support Lord Voldemort. My Dad works for him and I'm going to work for him too". He laughs evilly which makes the interviewer feel uncomfortable. "Right, so what kind of childhood did you have?".

"I was a spoilt Brat, but I loved it". The audience laugh but the interviewer doesn't. "So, when you were a kid you always got what you wanted?". Draco Grinned evilly again.

"Two Right. Everything I asked for, I got. That's the beauty of being Rich. You always get what you want". The interviewer took out a cigarette and lit it."So who do you hate?".Draco nicked one of the interviewers fags and slipped it in his pockets. "I hate that Harry Potter, the Weasleys and Mudbloods". The interviewer finds himslef hating Draco by the minute.

"So You're quite evil?". Draco gives the Interviewer a dirty look. "Yeah I am. I'm soon to be a Death eater". The interviwer accidently falls of his chair. Draco looks at him disguist. "Sorry about that" said the interviewer.

"Get off the floor you pathetic wuss. I want to continue this interview". The Interviewer gets up from the floor and sits back on the chair."So then Draco, have you ever thought on world domination?". Draco sits back again and twiddles his thumb. "Are you stupid, that's Voldemort's job.I can't take over the world. I'm not as powerful as Voldemort. OH I'M FED UP WITH THIS FUCKING INTERVIEW". He kicks a chair and begins to choke the interviewer.

"Calm weez down, it's weez just supposed to be and weez interview" the interviewer gasped.

"Die areshole dieeeeeee" Draco says through gritted teeth. The interviewer's face goes blue and then he dies. Draco stands on the table and yells "ALL HAIL DRACO MALFOY". Two sercurity guards enter and grab hold of Draco.

"GET OF ME YOU BLOODY BASTARDS. I RULE. DRACO RUUUUULLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS".

"Save it for the judge blondy" replies the bodyguard. They drag him off stage and the dead interviewer is taken away. A another man comes along.

"Due to the events from today's episode, this show has been cancelled and will be replaced by WHEN HOGWARTS STUDENTS GO NAKED which will be rated R."

Draco was arrested and thrown In jail for assault and murder. He was kissed by a dementor.


End file.
